The Burial of Our Shimmering Selves

We come into the world with a longing to be known and a deep-seated fear that we aren’t what we should be. We are set up for a crisis of identity. And then, says Frederick Buechner, the world goes to work:

"Starting with the rather too pretty young woman and the charming but rather unstable young man, who together know no more about being parents than they do the far side of the moon, the world sets in to making us what the world would like us to be, and because we have to survive after all, we try to make ourselves into something that we hope the world will like better than it apparently did the selves we originally were. That is the story of all our lives, needless to say, and in the process of living out that story, the original, shimmering self gets buried so deep that most of us hardly end up living out of it at all. Instead, we live out all the other selves which we are constantly putting on and taking off like coats and hats against the world’s weather." (Telling Secrets) 

Think about the part you find yourself playing, the self you put on like a costume. Who cast you in this role? Most of us are living out a script that someone else has written for us. We’ve not been invited to live from our heart, to be who we truly are, so we put on these false selves hoping to offer something more acceptable to the world, something functional. We learn our roles starting very young and we learn them well. 

~ John Eldredge, The Sacred Romance 

I was thinking on this yesterday, actually.  Funny how God sends us little banners of hope.  Except I don't feel so very hopeful.  So maybe it wasn't a banner of hope.  Maybe it was just confirmation.

I realized yesterday that I've consciously given up on writing;  aside from this blog (and rarely at that) I've written nothing of consequence in more than a year.  I haven't the time, with the children and the housecleaning and all that the world demands of me.  I started on something a few months ago, but it had no pent up mojo.  So it fizzled in less than 350 words.  And I feel no deep disappointment in that.  Not even surface disappointment.

And my hopes of travel have taken more than a backseat.  They've kinda just become, "eh, whatever" to me.  I've started to not even want to travel anymore.  I think on things like boarding an airplane or seeing parts of the world I once wanted to see... and it simply has no draw for me anymore.  Why hope for it when it might never come true, certainly isn't coming true now.  When there's mildew on the shower curtain, dirty dishes in the sink, and arguing children in the next room, how can lofty dreams matter?

Everything's on hold, my wants, my wishes.  Life has taken precedence, and it's simply not what I'd imagined for myself.  Those far away dreams have been so long on hold that I've forgotten the feeling of the hold they once had on me -- and I shrug off that forgetfulness because I don't really care to remember.  What's the point?  There are toilets to be scrubbed, homeschool parties to plan, floors to mop, laundry to throw in the washing machine, children to discipline.

Which begs the question:  who am I then?  I'm a mommy and that's pretty much all I have the time and energy for.  When I have a few minutes of spare time I spin yarn and dye it and knit it, and I drink my hot tea with honey and watch my Jane Austen films and read my plethora of books.  But is that of any consequence when all is said and done?  Is this really the person God created me to be?  When He carved out a place in the cosmos and set me in it, sitting back with a proud smile at the creature He'd made.... is this the person He saw?  And if so, why?  Am I really shimmering, feeling like I do, apathetic, silently living one day at a time?

Is this The Enemy, the world, doing me in?  Or is it God taking away all of those things I once believed about myself in order to pave a way for a different me?  I tend to think it's the former, because there's just very little joy in the latter -- or is that me allowing The Enemy to suck the joy out of this new life God has made for me?  Either way, I'm just kinda lifeless.  Going through the motions.

Wow, that happened fast, didn't it?  Back in August I was the lady with a plan, a heart, a personal beauty.  Today I'm just.... drained.

Pretty in Pink

I spent all day yesterday pretty bummed about my recent (likely) diagnosis.  But today I determined to stop feeling sorry for myself.  I mean, I'm not deaf yet, right?  So.....

I'm finished with the living room re-do.  It looks fah-AH-bulous!  I'd show you a picture, but our camera is stowed safely under the passenger seat of our Volvo -- which is parked in the lot where Toph works, some twenty minutes away.  I'll get a photo soon, don't worry, but until then, know that I'm pleased as punch with the results.  You've seen the chaise, right?  Well the sofa is even better.  Squeeeee!

I'm done with sewing for a while;  it was a big project, so I'm glad to bid it adieu.  But you know me, ever in need of a creative fix.  I did a little knitting this afternoon during Quiet Time.  It was nice, but as the needles slipped between my fingers I found myself mulling over this year's Mom's Christmas Brunch (which I'm hosting again).  Last year I kinda just threw some things together, a bunch of stuff I already owned (plus approximately $25 worth of Big Lots finds).  This year I want to do things a little better.  I want to celebrate these women, pretty things up a little, hit a few surprising notes (all without breaking the bank).  I'm thinking "pink".  I hear ya, "A pink Christmas?  Really, Elle, do you think you can pull off pink?"  Heck yeah!  I'm seeing lovely glass ornaments and silver tinsel.  I'm gonna go with a pale shade of pink and lime green with accents of silver and white.  It'll be posh and elegant, yet girly and fun.

Here are some photos I'm using for inspiration (gleaned from the world wide web -- God bless Google):

Many ears disease?

Q:  What do I have in common with Charles Darwin, Julius Caesar, and Martin Luther? 

A: Dizzy spells and deafness.

So I got some unexpected (and rather vexing) news today.  The ENT specialist says he thinks I've got Meniere's Disease.  I was all like, "say what?"  Not because I couldn't hear him very well (though, yeah, that too), but because I'd never heard of it before.  He explained to me that it was an off-the-wall disease (what other kind would I, queen of off the wall, have, am I right?) affecting the eustachian tubes and inner ear.  He was very calm when he explained this to me, briefly mentioning the death of those tiny little hairs inside a person's head (those hairs that make the traveling of sound possible), telling me that before he could hand over a Sure Thang Diagnosis I'd have to come back for a couple of more tests.  But he seemed pretty sure -- and a bit too calm for my comfort.

So I came home and Googled it.  I gotta say folks, it ain't good news.  Nope, not good news at all.  Apparently I'm gonna go deaf in my right ear (the one most severely affected) and maybe in both ears.  "Many ears" would be a nice thing to have right about now.  But no, I've only got two (one and a half, at this point) and of those I'll be lucky to hit my 40th birthday with three fourths of one.

I've had dizzy spells on and off my whole life.  I remember being in highschool when I realized, on those dark nights when I was really, really tired, before falling off to sleep I'd feel like I was spinning.  Wheeeeee....  I told Toph about this once,and he looked at me like I was a few inches more off my rocker than he'd previously assumed.  And vertigo, yeesh.  It's been the bane of my existence for quite some time -- though never debilitating.... until a few months ago when I had a spell that literally sent me reeling.  I was forced to crawl into my bedroom and into bed where I fought off the urge to vomit everything I'd eaten for the past week.  It was so horrible Toph kept asking me if I needed him to drive me to the E.R.

Couple that incident (and one other since then only nearly as bad) with my on again/off again loss of hearing (which has been getting increasingly more persistent -- and annoying), and I was ready to hightail it to the nearest ear, nose, and throat guru.  So that's what I did today.  And now I know what I'm looking at.

Needless to say, I am not pleased.  I spent about an hour fighting back tears, but then a most pressing question hit me: "How am I going to sing when I'm deaf?"  After that, it was clear I was fighting a losing battle in the crying department.  I went to my spacious walk-in-closet and had myself a good old fashioned sob fest right there on the floor, mourning the futuristic loss of my childrens' laughter, the sound of music, and wind rushing through dry Autumn leaves.  And singing.  Do deaf people sing?  I guess some day I'll get to find out.


Meniere's Disease. Not at all what I was expecting.  Given the choice, I'd rather do without the sense of smell or taste, but I realize life doesn't always take our preferential requests. I'm trying to remain positive -- my life could be much worse.  It could have been a cancerous brain tumor, right?  Being handed a slowly progressing disease, one that's not so very debilitating (when all is said and done), isn't such a very bad thing.   Not really.

Still, this is not what I'd wanted for my life.

So, I'm asking for prayers.  Total healing would be awesome, but I should be more realistic, I suppose. Coming to terms with this would be a good compromise. Learning to accommodate a growing disability, incorporating workable treatments, and generally coming to acceptance of near or total hearing loss, those are less problematic prayer requests.

Thanks in advance.

Firelight vs.Twilight

So, I've read all of the Twilight books.  They were alright, some good some bad -- more about that in December when I do my Books in Review for 2009. But I've got a girlfriend who's nuts about 'em;  she's got as big a crush on Edward Cullen as I do on Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy.  (Lucky for our husbands, they're fictional characters, eh?)  Next Friday, I'm heading to my friend's place for a weekend of New Moon.  It's her birthday gift from me, a whole Twlight weekend replete with food, fun, and frenzy.  Yeah, I love her (not the books) that much.

But here's an amusing take on Twilight the movie (based on the first book), in case you didn't catch it on SNL.  Taylor Swift as Stella Wan, truly, madly, deeply in love with.... a Frankenstein.

A Little Nibble

Here's a photo of the finished chaise, resplendent (Yeah, I just used the word "resplendent" in a sentence!) in the new slipcover I have spent the last two days sewing:

More photos forthcoming of the long-overdue, fully finished living room overhaul.

What does God want from us?

The gospel says that we, who are God’s beloved, created a cosmic crisis. It says we, too, were stolen from our True Love and that he launched the greatest campaign in the history of the world to get us back. God created us for intimacy with him. When we turned our back on him he promised to come for us. He sent personal messengers; he used beauty and affliction to recapture our hearts. After all else failed, he conceived the most daring of plans. Under the cover of night he stole into the enemy’s camp incognito, the Ancient of Days disguised as a newborn. The Incarnation, as Phil Yancey reminds us, was a daring raid into enemy territory. The whole world lay under the power of the evil one and we were held in the dungeons of darkness. God risked it all to rescue us. Why? What is it that he sees in us that causes him to act the jealous lover, to lay siege both on the kingdom of darkness and on our own idolatries as if on Troy -- not to annihilate, but to win us once again for himself? This fierce intention, this reckless ambition that shoves all conventions aside, willing literally to move heaven and earth—We’ve been offered many explanations.

From one religious camp we’re told that what God wants is obedience, or sacrifice, or adherence to the right doctrines, or morality. Those are the answers offered by conservative churches. The more therapeutic churches suggest that no, God is after our contentment, or happiness, or self-actualization, or something else along those lines. He is concerned about all these things, of course, but they are not his primary concern. What he is after is us—our laughter, our tears, our dreams, our fears, our heart of hearts. Remember his lament in Isaiah, that though his people were performing all their duties, “their hearts are far from me” (29:13 italics added). How few of us truly believe this. We’ve never been wanted for our heart, our truest self, not really, not for long. The thought that God wants our heart seems too good to be true. 

~ John Eldredge, The Sacred Romance

I shouldn't, but I am.

Hello out there in blogger world.  How are ya'll today?  Good, good, glad to hear it.  I'm pretty awesome myself.  I've been way too busy for comfort, and yet here I am, feeling one heck'avuh sunspot just short of sublime.

Halloween was perfect.  Here are some photos, from pumpkin carving to trick-or-treating:



That's a photo of me up there knitting -- not "just knitting", but creating the third hat this week.  I had such an awesome response to my slouch pattern that I received two purchase orders for them.  This made me very happy.  It's so nice when one's work is appreciated.  I knit up one in pinks and fuchsia, and now I'm finishing up the second one in green, just like mine but "slouchy-er" as requested by the buyer.  I'll have it shipped out tomorrow morning -- yay me!

Today, I got up very near the crack of dawn.  You see, I bought some gorgeous fabric this weekend (steel grays and charcoals, russets and greens, golds and chocolate browns) and it was calling my name.  "Elle," it whispered seductively, drawing me out of a deep sleep.  "Come sew me, Elle.  Come cut and baste and create with me, oh Creative One."  How could I resist?  But first I had to eat breakfast, hit the treadmill, do a little schooling with the girls, run a load of laundry, take Prudence for his neutering appointment, skip by the chiropractor, and swing by the grocery store for a few items (my aunt and uncle are visiting tomorrow from New York and they've requested grilled cheese and tomato soup) -- all the while my new fabric, calling out to me, yea verily even miles away as I lay 'neath the chiropractor's deft hands.

I was positively itching to get between yards of fabric and my sewing machine.  At last, I was allowed to heed the call.  The girls finished up their school and headed to the living room to watch a movie while I headed to the dining table to begins sewing the first of my slipcovers, this one for the chaise.  I couldn't be happier with the results.  I can't wait to show you photos of the finished living room.  With the new telly and the semi-new furnishings, it's going to be divine.  Candice Olson, eat your heart out.

Squeeeee!

I wanted a hat.

But not just any hat.  I wanted a hat I could knit myself.  And it had to be a quick knit, something that I could finish in a week or less.  (I wound up with a hat that took me five days to knit, but if I hadn't tinkered with it so much, it woulda only taken me a few hours).  It of course had to be soft as it would be touching my face -- oh, and I wanted that brand of hat one might call a "slouch": sloppy yet sophisticated, loose-fitting but with stylish comfort, something that wouldn't cling too tightly and give me hat-head.  I found several patterns on Ravelry, but the yarn was all wrong here or the pattern too persnickety there, the brim too shallow, the finished product too small, this one not "slouchy" enough, that one overly detailed.  So I set to work and here's what I came up with.  My first real pattern, created by moi. (Yay me!)  I present to you:

Elle's Simple Slouch
Level: Easy
Size: Large (very loosely fits a 22"-23" head) 

Gauge: 4.5 stitches in st st = 1 inch

Materials Needed:

• 165 yards worsted weight yarn (I used Malabrigo Pure Merino in color #203 "Verdes")
• 16" circular needle, US size 7 (4.5 mm) or size to obtain gauge
  
• double pointed needles, US size 7 (4.5 mm) or size to obtain gauge
• 7 stitch markers, one of them different from the others
• tapestry needle

Instructions:

• Using the circular needle, loosely cast on 100 stitches.  Place your single "different" stitch marker and join in the round, being careful not to twist the stitches.  
• Knit one, purl one ribbing for 2 inches.
• Increase, knitting in the front and back of the stitch, every other stitch (the purled stitches from your ribbing) for 150 stitches.
• Knit in st st until piece measures 6.5 inches.
• Divide into sections, inserting stitch markers every 25 stitches (25 stitches between stitch markers).

Begin decreases;  on every other row, decrease 2 stitches before each marker and two stitches after each marker as follows:

• Knit 1 stitch, slip 1 stitch knitwise, transfer both stitches to the left needle, pass slipped stitch over the knit stitch to the right, transfer back to the right needle;  repeat.
  
• Knit until four stitches remain in front of next marker
  
• Slip 1 stitch purlwise, knit 1 stitch, pass slipped stitch over the knit stitch to the left of it;  repeat.
• Continue in this fashion until all decreases have been completed.
• Knit second row in the round with no decreases, alternating decrease rows.
  
• Change to dpns when knitting is too tight on circulars.
  
• When decreases have produced only 5 stitches remaining in sections (between markers), decrease by knitting 2 together before and after each marker, leaving 3 stitches remaining in each section (between markers).
• Take out markers and knit 1 row in the round.
• In final row, knit 2 together until 6 stitches remain.  
• Using tapestry needle, pull yarn through these final 6 stitches and pull together.  Weave in loose ends and block (optional).